I’m 80 percent positive my dogs giving birth tonight.
Has 0 Notes • Posted 1 week ago
One thing I’ll never understand about myself honestly is that even when I set boundaries for myself, my anger always finds a way to creep in. I used to to try to convince people that it’s not my fault because I didn’t wanna take credit for being a monster. That’s exactly what I am though in all of their eyes, a monster. I wish I would have kept a journal growing up of all the terrible things this illness does to me, maybe then people would actually understand it’s not intentional. Nobody ever asks me how it feels though, nobody has ever looked me in the eye without being afraid of me and said “Hey Krys how does it feel knowing you have a genetic illness running through you, you have no control over?”. I remember reading the symptoms for bipolar an borderline personality disorder. And seeing the word “Ruins relationships/Can’t keep a relationship”. I laughed because I really do give 110 towards every romantic relationship and friendship, but it’s totally true. I might be the nicest, most caring person to a lot of people but your true self always comes through. When I try to hide the dark parts of me this illness makes me do? The more suppressed and exhausted I become because it really is exhausting trying not to fuck up every minute of the day. It’s worse that the older I get, the worse it gets. I went from throwing tantrums in my room to hearing voices, being visited in the night, fighting off my mind being attacked by my own body. I have a lot of energy, I could literally sit awake for days in my own pain, I’m impulsive, I even sometimes catch myself thinking out loud like I’m crazy, when I’m mad I black out and it scares me. It’s completely devastating hearing your own friends tell you how angry and violent you’re and how afraid they’re to talk to you wrong. It hurts so bad that it’s really come to the point where I can’t accept a compliment, I completely will shoot down any nice thing people have to say about me. Because I know eventually I’m gonna hurt someone and then they’ll take it back… It’s even more confusing for the people involved because even when I’m screaming and cussing people out? I’m probably crying as soon as I’m done and screaming for them to forgive me, understand me and don’t hold it against me. I really don’t blame anyone for feeling that way about me because not everybody wants to deal with someone who is that far gone in problems. It’s more upsetting? Knowing people have told me they don’t mind or saying they accept me or won’t give up on me. Soon as I accept the fact they won’t leave me or tell me how terrible I am, they always leave. It’s the worst feeling in the world because I feel like I drive them away and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nobody would believe me even if I wanted to change because their more focused on what I’ve said to them in a past life. So that’s why I get so upset sometimes. Not just because I have reoccurring nightmares every night, or because my family weighs responsibility hard on me. It’s because I can’t trust myself to accept the fact people actually care about me. It seems that no matter what always, people are always gonna hold this against me. So maybe I should just embrace my inner monster, I’ve already lost everything what’s the harm?
Has 1 Notes • Posted 2 weeks ago
I don’t know if I’m being edgy or stupid, I decided to get heavily drunk last night. Play last of us with a friend til 3 and somehow watch a pretty little liars marathon til 5. Wake up at 8 for school with the biggest hangover of my life, fuck my life.
Has 0 Notes • Posted 2 weeks ago
I can relate so much to this.